Mortality

When the time comes, who will be there? What will they be doing? Have you really thought about your life, whom you touched, how you touched them, and if they will be there? Really think about it, your age now, then think about how many years you have left to work, and then about how many years you have left after that. I have done all of this and know that I do not have that many good years left to make things the way I want them to be. When you do think about it in that way, you realize you better move faster in your life to be able to do things you really have always wanted to do, places to go, people to see.

There is always going to be an ending, but when will it come and how will it happen. That is something that no one knows or can answer. Although many have tried, they can only speculate on the ending and what really happens. It all comes down to belief. For me, the end is the end, nothing more, nothing less. You do all you can to live the best way you can and know how, to be happy and make others happy along the way. I do know there are many that live a life of complete lonliness, but that is a decision they choose. I for one, want to leave something behind to be remembered by. But, who will do the remembering?

The end comes for all of us sooner or later. Those that choose to take their time now on their own are either cowards and can not face what is in front of them. Or, they do it out of health reasons or mental reasons. But all of us have a time limit here in this life, an expiration date is stamped somewhere on or in us. Mortality is something no one can escape.

My Time of Need

Those I call my friends, can I count on you to be there for me if the time arises and you are called? Will you be there for me when I am down and out, in pain. Or will you only be there when I am happy and in a good place? To all those I call my friends, I will always be there for you when you put out the call for help. I will always be there when you are celebrating a good time or place in your life. When you need someone to hold you and you need a shoulder to cry on.

We all need someone in our lives to give us things that we can sometimes not provide for ourselves. We need the contact, the touch, arms around us, to feel needed or wanted. There are sometimes also the need to let go of some of these people we call friends for various reasons. Sometimes friends just grow apart. But, sometimes there are those times when you move to a different part of your life and those friends are no longer close to you in one way or another. You feel you are no part of their lives because they do not have time for you or they are to busy for you. But when its really you who have moved on from them because they are no longer a part of your life and you can not find a place where they fit any longer. The question still lingers if they were ever really there for you when you needed them.

People come and go in all of our lives. Some stay for life, while others only for a while. Its the ones that stay for life who are the truest of friends, because they are there for you when you really need them. They are there for you not only when you are happy and celebrating a great chapter in your life, but also there when you are saddend by the world around you. They are there when you have a lose, ready to hold you and allow you to cry. They are there for you when you just need someone to listen or to talk while you listen.

The one question that I ask myself of all my friends. Will they be there for me when I need them the most? Will they be there to celebrate a great chapter in my life, for the wins and the loses. Will the people I call my friends be there in my time of need?

Inner Demons

The battle lines have been drawn, sides have been chosen, the armies are being gathered. As the song says, "better go get your armor". Valleys are going to be flooded with the blood of many, many tears will be shed over those that are lost. But, there won't be any winner in this battle as it has been and will be raging on for years. The enemy has been sighted and is known. Seeing them up close and personal, they are demons. Things that are hard to fight and disperse.

Everyone fights these demons, no matter who they are or what they say. We all have them and fight them almost on a daily basis. Some are victorious and can over come them, fighting them back to where they belong. But many others have fought them for years, and many others have lost their lives to these demons. These demons come in all shapes and sizes and for each person, they are different in many ways. Some can fight alone and win. While others need the help of others.

You can see them clearly in the dark as they are there always watching. The light of day brings some relief but they are still there, watching and waiting for the darkness to fall again to attack. They love to come when you are sleeping. Entering your mind when you are most vunerable, when the walls are down. But, they don't come from the outside world. They come from the inside, inside of us all. They are our inner demons.

The Family

You know that the people you can count on the most, are supposed to be the people that are closest to you, your family. They are supposed to be there for you no matter what happens or is happening in your life. They are supposed to support you in whatever decisions you might make for your life. They are supposed to help you to become a better person, pick you up when you are down, make sure you are happy in all parts of your life.

But, there are those families where they are not close. They barely talk with one another most of the time and even act like strangers when they are in the presence of one another. You wonder if you have a family like this and you begin to think about all of the times in your life. The birthdays you had, all were invited, no one showed up cause they went to another. The holidays, when you sat and watched others opening tons of presents, when you sat with only a few in front of you. Big times, graduations, etc. when they all knew you did something great in your life and none of them were there. But, no, not you, your family isn't like that at all. Then, all the memories of all these things that happend come flooding back in and you realize that, yes, it is your family.

Now, you have started building an extended family. Those you know that will be there for you and have been there for you when you needed them. They know you better than the blood relations you have. They celebrate with you when you do something good and are proud of you when you complete something. You get pats on the back, hugs, etc from them. You feel closer to them than others. You know they all feel the same way about you. You are there for them when they need you. You are there when they need to talk, have a celebration, etc. In your mind, they are, the family.

Always Waiting

I see you every day. You think you can get rid of me? Think again.
No matter what you do or try to do, I will always be here.
You can't do anything to stop me once I am inside you.
You can't run, take anything, or hide from me.
I will be eating at your insides till I take you down completely.

Once I decide who I want, I will go after them. I doesn't
matter to me who you are. I will take your love, your
Father, Mother, child, or friend. If I want them, I will
take them totally away from you. I am always here,
watching and waiting.

Have your guessed my name yet? If you haven't,
I am called AIDS. So many try to avoid me, but
they just can't. They can't help themselves with
not doing stupid things to let me inside. Go ahead,
use that needle after someone else. Don't use
that condom, it will make it easier for me to get
in.

You see, I can and will get you, get your all. No
matter what you do to try to stop me, I will
get under your skin, eat you from the inside
out. Those that are careful, I can wait for a
long time. I will be, always waiting.

Waking Up Alone

I open my eyes, just like I do every other morning. Yesterday it was a dreary day, rain, windy, and cold. I wanted to stay in bed. But, today, it was sunny and warm, birds were singing. I could smell the scent of fresh cut grass. I still wanted to stay in bed. I stretch my arm out across the bed, but your not there. You haven't been there for a long time.

At night, when I climb into bed, I sometimes think I can feel you climb in next to me. I sometimes think I can feel the heat of your body against me. But I know you are not there, the things I am feeling are all in my mind. But, those thoughts feel so real at times.

When I finally pull myself out of bed, I make my way to the kitchen and pull out 2 cups for our morning coffee. Then I realize I will only need one cup and put the other back onto the shelf. I have caught myself doing things like that many times. I have set the table for 2, I have hung 2 towels in our bathroom, I even make to much food because I forgot how to cook for only one.

Its been a long time since you have passed on and I find myself waking up alone. I do know in time all of that will change. But, the pain and memories will never fade away. No one will ever take your place in my heart and mind. I will find myself waking up alone for the rest of my life.

Through Their Eyes

I sit and watch you come into our space. You stop and look at me, knowing that all my friends are coming to the front of their homes as well, to see who you are. You reach through my door to scritch me softly on my ears and head, I lean into your hand. Loving every stroke you give me, not wanting it to end. But, you pull your hand back and the nice feeling stops. I watch as you move away from me to my friend next to me.

You walk up and down, stopping and visiting each of us. I can see it in your eyes, you do not know which one of us will be going home with you, if any of us at all. But, I know I have to present myself to the best I can. I sit and wag my tail, hop up and down to show you that I am ready to play with you at a moments notice. Then I sit and show you I can be calm and sit with you when you just want to cuddle.

Again, you stop, and again your fingers come through and stroke me more. I lean into your hand, wanting the touch to never stop. But the fingers disappear again. I bark, to voice my wanting more. But you move down and I can see you reach in to touch another friend of mine. I care about all of us, and want nothing more then all of us to go to our furever homes. But, I have to look out for myself also.

I will do everything you ask me to do. I can do whatever you wish me to do. I know tricks, I will never have an accident at home. All I want is to go with you to show you, I can and will be there for you always. I might have my faults at first, but will learn what I am to do and where I am to do it. All I ask is that you choose me to take with you. Sitting here day after day, and not leaving with any of you, tears at my heart. Makes me feel very unwanted and unloved. Am I? This is all I see through my eyes.

A Shelter Dog's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
Upon the cold and hard concrete,
I dream of a warm blanket or bed
to lay my weary head.

A big bowl of food, to calm my
rubbling tummy. Along with
some fresh cold water to
quench my thirst.

Some toys to chew or chase,
would be a welcome thing. A yard
to run off all the energy I have
inside.

But, most of all, a nice warm
soft hand to stroke my head.
Letting me know I am in a
safe place and home furever.